Have you ever been at a point in your life when you feel like the world is about to crash in on you? Have you ever been faced with something that was so far out of your control that you were forced on your knees? Had it all figured out and then WHAM... Even expected one outcome but got something that was polar opposite? I have. First let me say, that I have really prayed about this post. Should I just keep this inside and continue the "everything is fine" act? Or should I speak... Well, I guess I felt led to speak.
Over 5 years ago, I thought that Derek and I had it all figured out. He was working a good job, we were preparing to meet our first child. Life was good. I, like most excited moms-to-be had his room all ready, car seat in the car, clothes all washed, bottles ready to go, and bags by the door for whenever that moment happened. But God's plans were so different than ours. (Most of you know the "Story of Baker" so I will keep this part short) Baker was born and immediately, things were different. I grieved over the fact that Derek didn't get the chance to cut the cord, or that I didn't get the chance to have Baker put on my chest. Even the fact that he was taken away before I ever got to see him so we weren't able to bond. Later in the day, we found out that Baker was being sent to Birmingham, but we were finally allowed to meet him. They wheeled me and Derek to the nursery and although the first glance of my son was not what I expected, I was happy to get to see him finally. First thought was terrifying. Wondering how much a little body could actually take, but he sure showed us!!
I remember this day, just like it was yesterday! That red/orange hair like his daddy, his nose like mine and my brothers... To me, he was perfect. I have always been able to look past all the tubes, and wires, and alarms, and equipment. I remember going back to my room and having so many people that loved us there! I remember having this peace about Baker and watching everyone cry. I remember my husband and dad leaving so that they could be in Birmingham that night with Baker. And I remember my mom calling my Aunt who lived close by to be there for Baker because we couldn't stand the fact that he would be alone for one minute! I remember the flight crew bringing Baker to my room before taking him away and how wonderful they were to allow me time to touch his little hands and skin. And I remember, once everyone left and it was just me and my mom, hearing the daddy next door singing to his fussy baby while I tried to quietly cry into my pillow.
I am sure that I could go on and on about being in the hospital for 6 months. We met some wonderful people, nurses, doctors, families, and babies. Some we still pray for to this day, some have passed on, and some are perfectly fine!
Part of me feels so blessed and honored to get to go through this experience. This roller-coaster that we have been on has definitely been one that has knocked me to my knees and restored my faith in Christ. You see, I have been raised in church, I am a Christian and I know where my eternal home is. I know that God put this life on me to make me stronger and to get me to where I am, but I still struggle with many things. I don't really know if it is depression because I am able to go on with my day and "fake it till I make it." I love Baker as he is!!! To me, he is perfect. I just feel sometimes that Derek and I were jipped ... Those bottles that were washed and in the cabinet never got used. Almost all the clothes never got worn, and the highchair just sat empty in the corner of the kitchen. I have never held my child on my shoulder to burp him, never seen him without some tube somewhere, never chased him around the house, never feed him in my arms, never had him sleep in my bed, never did the potty training thing, going places is always a struggle, can't do swimming lessons, etc...
Alot of this is the way that I felt after he was born... and through the years, I have been able to get past it. But I guess with the start of sports, there will be new things to face. As excited as I am about the new season of Miracle League, I wish my child could be on the tball field with all his new school friends. I wish that going to school was as easy as putting him on the bus and bidding him a good day. But the truth is, it's not. I have to prepare supplies and make sure that all his equipment in being charged just for him to last half a day at school.
I guess this post is so back and forth, but it is hard to get my feeling out when I don't really know them myself. I am in no way complaining! Baker is my child and just like a "normal mom" has to learn, we had to learn! I always say that our child DID come with instructions! :) Because of Baker, I am using the talents that God had blessed me with. As long as our story is bringing Glory and Honor to God, then we will rejoice! And now with the talk a possible cure in the future... who knows what miracle God has in store for Baker!! (Please be in prayer over this clinical trial that should start within the next year)
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